White Knuckle Parenting: Birthday Party Hosting 101

It is important, when you are first having children, to plan their birthdays so they don't all fall in the same month. Sure, it's cute when you have a 2-year-old to tell him you got him a baby for his birthday, but for the next 18 years you will have to plan two parties in the same month and you will come to wish that you had spaced your kids better.

Sure, you can get away with forcing them to have joint parties for the first few years, but eventually they will demand their own parties. This is where I currently reside. Two of my kids have May birthdays, which means we just finished a busy birthday season. (Praise the lord, hallelujah, no more birthday party hosting until October.)

Also, if I may digress for a moment, when did every child start to get a birthday party every year? When I was growing up, either everyone had secret parties that they didn't invite me to or everybody did what my family did, which was take one friend out to birthday dinner with us.

Oh no. What if they all had secret parties?

Okay, I'm going to shake that off. What I'm here to tell you today is that, with three of my own children totaling 26 years of age, I have hosted many a kid's party. There are several crucial elements to hosting a successful party, not least of which is a cooperative birthday child, but you're on your own there. Here are the rest of them.

Venue: This is a tough one. Parties that you host at your house are cheaper, but parties at an off-site location don't require you to cram 20 first-graders into your kitchen. Also, if you have the party where you live, you will frantically clean your house just so those 20 first-graders can almost immediately tear it apart. If forced to have the party at your house, as I usually do, try to make sure that you've birthed your kids in a month where you can reasonably expect to force them all to spend the entire party outside in warm, dry weather.

RSVPs: This one is more for party guests. If you're invited to a party, RSVP. Please. There is nothing worse than not knowing if 16 kids are coming or 34. Also, if you intend to drop off not just your child, but her four siblings, let the host know in advance.

Have a plan: There was this one party when my son had a sleepover with a few kids from his class. We were going to watch a movie after dinner. I figured that the six or so boys could vote on what they wanted to watch. How could I be so stupid? Never ask your party guests what they want to do. Tell them. (Also, G-Force is a good movie to satisfy a diverse group of 8-year-old boys.)

Entertainment: Whether you outsource your entertainment to someone else or do it yourself, remember to leave plenty of time for the party guests to run aimlessly in circles in your yard. The guests loved the LEGO Robotics we did with Adventures with Robots at the first party I hosted this month, but they probably spent more time playing with the hammock in the backyard. Simple party games are also fun. I have managed to entertain kids as old as nine with a rousing game of pin something on something.

Cake: Some tips for the cake: Make sure there is a lot of frosting on it. Many kids only eat that part of the cake. Don't serve ice cream unless it is in pre-measured cups. It is entirely too much trouble. There will be one child who doesn't like cake and who will look at you sadly if you don't have an alternate option for her. This is the only case when ice cream is acceptable. Even if your child is having trouble blowing out his candles, don't suggest that his friends help him. The birthday boy will yell at the hapless guest who followed your instructions, everyone will be sad, and it will be all your fault.

Piñata: Piñatas are always winners, provided there are no head injuries and everyone gets a turn to whack at the thing. There are, however, things you can do to make the piñata even more entertaining, at least for the parents in attendance.  You can try to find an ironic piñata. For example, at our second May party, we invited Reptiles Alive to teach the kids about reptiles, then we beat the heck out of a turtle-shaped piñata. Does your kid love trains? Make him destroy one hanging in his yard. Does your daughter always ask for a puppy? Buy her one—one that she can destroy with a baseball bat.

Goody bag: The way I see it, you have a couple of options here. (1) Give a big ol' middle finger to the idea that kids need goody bags and freebies everywhere and bravely send kids out the door without anything in their hands, or (2) accept that birthday parties imply a goody bag for attendance exchange and present party goers with a bag full of trinkets to signal when it is time for your guests to get out of your house. Both options are acceptable, but one will make you more well liked among your kids' friends.

You may be one of those parents who think you can game the system. Perhaps you think that the gym you've hired to host the party will "do everything" for you. You may have convinced yourself that a sleepover is easier. Or maybe you have decided that taking six kids to the movies surely couldn't be as hard as hosting a party.

You are wrong.

Hosting kids' parties sucks. You will end up sweaty and disheveled by the end. Hopefully, however, you will also end up with a grateful child and a group of kids happy to have shared the celebration with your kid—and hopefully you will be ready for the next party when it rolls around.

Jean, a.k.a. Stimey, writes a personal blog at Stimeyland; an autism-events website for Montgomery County, Maryland, at AutMont; and a column called Autism Unexpected in the Washington Times Communities. You can find her on Twitter as @Stimey.