White Knuckle Parenting: Keep Your Kids Out of Costco

Back when my kids were in diapers, my husband and I were Costco members and would head down to Beltsville every month or so to buy diapers, oranges, ground beef, and usually an impulse purchase or two. (Two dozen Sharpies in a rainbow of colors? Yes, please!)

Side note: Have you noticed that everyone has an opinion on which is the best Costco? Side note to the side note: No one thinks it is the Beltsville location.

Now that there is a Costco within walking distance of our house, we re-signed up under the premise that we could go there to buy just milk or just bread—or just 32 new acrylic drinking glasses.

My husband is thrilled to be back in the land of bulk purchasing, but for my kids, who don't remember experiencing the joy of warehouse shopping, Costco is a whole new fun world. That said, I have a whole host of reasons why you shouldn't take kids with you when you brave the new superstore at Wheaton Plaza.

• Your kids will not only eat their free samples of brownie bites, but they will eat yours too.

• You will have to tell them 800 times, "No, we do not need four gallons of chocolate milk/96 hot dogs/48 ice cream sandwiches/28 packs of frozen mozzarella sticks—but maybe we should run over to the Sears Outlet store to buy a second freezer." 

• It is close to impossible to hide delicious treats in giant boxes (such as three butter pound cakes) in your cart without your children seeing and (a) making fun of you and (b) forcing you to share.

• One of your kids will insist on sitting in the giant cart, making it impossible to fit that box of new pots you want to impulse buy behind him. Wait, this might actually be a benefit.

• If your kids go with your husband and not you, they might come home with a 36-count box of Reese's peanut butter cups because, "Well, they asked me to get them." Same thing with a 42-count box of Fruit by the Foot, each unit of which is actually three feet long. How long do you think it is going to take for my children to eat 126 feet of sugar and food dye?

• Lunch for five people will cost you $7 at the cafeteria, but your final bill will not be lower than $200. 

• After walking past it six times and hearing your children beg for it, you start to think that a $40 inflatable ball that you can put your children in and roll down a hill is not only a good idea, but in fact absolutely essential.

• Your children will think it is hilarious that there is a toilet on the shelf and will insist on sitting on it. Parenthood is so embarrassing.

I'm hoping that the novelty of Costco wears off soon for my kids and—let's be honest here—for my husband as well, because, frankly, I don't have the cupboard space for any more giant boxes of candy.

Jean, a.k.a. Stimey, writes a personal blog at Stimeyland. You can find her on Twitter as @Stimey and on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/Stimeyland.