White Knuckle Parenting: Ten Commandments of Being a Soccer Mom

It seems like pretty much everyone I know has at least one kid who played in their first soccer game of the spring season last weekend. I had one of them myself. My 10-year-old plays soccer and headed out on Saturday, the warmest day of spring thus far, to kick the ball around. I headed out to keep my other two kids from running onto the field and to own my soccer mom-ness.

As I acknowledge that I am, indeed, a soccer mom, I also acknowledge that there must be commandments to such a condition. Mayhap ten of them.

I. Thou shalt not be able to remember the names of your child's teammates, even if they've played together for years. There is the kid with the brown hair, the kid with the longer brown hair, and that kid who always wears two different colored socks. Thou shalt refer to their parents simply as People I Vaguely Remember Seeing Every Week.

II. Thou shalt not remember to take bug spray. Even if you haven't seen a single bug all spring, you will step onto the grass directly into a swarm of gnats. These gnats will follow you, and only you, for the entire game.

III. Thou shalt not bother bringing grapes, oranges, or other healthy snacks for the players. Just give in and buy Cheetos and Capri Sun already.

IV. Thou shalt not give in to your inner jerk and shout epithets at overly aggressive coaches or parents. Repeat after me: Thou shalt lead by example. Thou shalt lead by example.

V. Thou shalt realize that your poor child is at a distinct disadvantage if he has been raised by parents who are not obsessed with soccer. Thou shalt discover that most kids in the world were in fact raised by parents who are obsessed with soccer. Thou shalt then look up on the internet how many players are supposed to be on the field at a time.

VI. Thou shalt applaud all goals, regardless of which team scores them, although you are allowed to make it a perfunctory three-clap plus "Good job, green team!" if your team is the blue team.

VII. Thou shalt hope that the soccer field is near a playground or else remember to bring something to keep your younger kids busy or thou shalt spend an hour trying to keep them from scaling the baseball backstop.

VIII. Thou shalt not know the difference between a size three soccer ball or a size four, nor will you remember which you possess.

IX. Thou shalt not covet the neon green uniforms that another lucky team gets to wear when your kid is stuck with sky blue.

X. Thou shalt understand that your Saturday plans are now fully contingent on the whims of the MSI schedulers and the rain gods. Plan accordingly.

Jean, a.k.a. Stimey, writes a personal blog at Stimeyland; an autism-events website for Montgomery County, Maryland, at AutMont; and a column called Autism Unexpected in the Washington Times Communities. You can find her on Twitter as @Stimey.