White Knuckle Parenting: Kids vs. Dog

Last week, my dog was obnoxiously sick and I started thinking about sending her to a farm upstate. "My kids are so nice and so rarely poop on the rug," I thought as I hugged them all a little tighter and stared daggers at the dog.

Then the children started getting sick, one after the other, and I started thinking about trading them in for a litter of puppies—puppies that would probably also leave offensive bodily fluids all over the house and car, but who at least wouldn't talk back at me while they did it.

Because I am me, instead of putting all my energy into making them feel better, I spent a lot of time debating which I preferred: my kids or the dog. Your answers may be different than mine. Every person (and dog, I suppose) has a different age and developmental level. I acknowledge that your child may, in fact, poop on the rug and I give you a solemn nod of understanding. But for me, this is how it went down.

Bodily fluids: I had to start with this category because they were quite literally in my face this past week. The children's fluids were more plentiful, but the dog's smelled worse. In the end, I only had to rent a Rug Doctor to clean up after one of them, and it was the dog. Kids: 1; Dog: 0

Food: The dog wins this one. I think it would be a lot easier if I just took all the food in my fridge and threw it directly in the trash instead of cooking it and trying to feed it to my kids. The dog, on the other hand, has learned to very carefully pick a plate up off of the table with her teeth, put it on the floor, and then eat the leftovers off of it. She appreciates my cooking way more than my kids do. Kids, 1; Dog: 1

Comedy: The dog only knows one joke—What is on the top of a house? Roof!—and she doesn't even tell it very well. My kids are funny for most of the day. This round definitely goes to the kids. Kids, 2; Dog, 1

Bedtime routine: I can't get my kids to go to bed. They always need something—a glass of water, a hug, an opportunity to tell a joke. The only thing I object to about my dog's sleeping habits is that she has to spin in six circles before she lays down. Dog wins. Solidly. Kids, 2; Dog, 2

Obedience: This is a tough one. Now, I might have to judge the dog a little more harshly on this one because she has had formal obedience training and the children have...well, they have me. Both my dog and my kids try to run away from me in public, but at least most of the time the dog is on a leash. That said, my kids are better at sit/stay than the dog. I'm going to call this a draw. Kids, 2; Dog, 2

Social skills: The dog is kind of a jerk. She chases cats, barks at other dogs, and likes to lick children inside of their mouths. My kids are sweet and cuddly and fun and at least try to play with friends...and, yes, they chase cats. That's okay. It's cute on them. They win. Kids, 3; Dog, 2

Unconditional love: Even though my youngest kid is so full of love that sometimes even when he's yelling and mad at me, he can't help coming in for a hug, my dog has never said, "I hate you." All she does is look at me with those big brown eyes of hers with a look that says, "I'm sorry I soiled your carpet; I looooooove you." The dog takes it. Kids, 3; Dog, 3

Volume level: My kids are loud but tolerable. My dog? She goes out to the backyard at night and barks at the neighbors who have the audacity to walk past a window inside their house. If you live in Wheaton, you've heard my dog barking at midnight. I feel like I should actually take a point away from the dog for this one. Kids, 4; Dog, 3

Looks like the kids take it! Although it was a little too close for comfort. Originally, I was sure the dog was going to lose by a mile, but she barely lost by a snout. Don't worry, I won't send any of them to that farm. Just don't get me started on the cat though. She is quiet, adorably chubby, and rarely barfs on my carpet. She might win the whole shebang.

Jean, a.k.a. Stimey, writes a personal blog at Stimeyland; an autism-events website for Montgomery County, Maryland, at AutMont; and a column called Autism Unexpected in the Washington Times Communities. You can find her on Twitter as @Stimey.